Friday, August 12, 2011

I'm Sorry You're Such an Idiot

So, last night while debating over the title of my newest blog entry, I WAS thinking it should be titled "Idiots Here, Idiots There, Idiots, Idiots EVERYWHERE" but, personally, I like this one much better. And, like I posted up on a social website," I know that 1) this isn't very lady like and 2) this isn't very nice to say as a woman of God, but sometimes you just have to be HONEST with the way you feel." So true.

So, let me be 100% completely honest, and tell you what I'm truly feeling.

This particular person I'll refer to as the "Idiot of once was" has been in my life for a couple of years now, which, as I look back now, was a huge mistake on my part. Now, I DIDN'T "choose" for this "idiot of once was" to necessarily be apart of my life, they were kind of just dropped into my life by other circumstances. The moment I heard the "idiot of once was" was going to be in my life, I pretty much freaked out. No way, no how, was I going to let this person, this person who had given me so much grief before, this person who had contributed to my weight GAIN, be apart of my life, EVER.

Looking back, I should have gone with my gut feeling and should have just ignored this "idiot of once was", but I didn't. Yes, foolish am I, I realize But why DID I let this person continue to make my life, how shall I say this nicely, well, I'll just say it, this one time, hellish? Good question! Answer? NO CLUE!

I often looked up at God, seeking his grace, peace, wisdom, and forgiveness for this "idiot of once was". Never understood WHY He would allow this person to be placed in my life, again. And, low and behold, I found myself having a "conversation" with the Lord after receiving some pretty disturbing emails from the "Idiot of once was".

Me: Lord, what do you want me to do?
God: PRAY FOR *THE "IDIOT OF ONCE WAS* (Name has been changed to protect their identity)! Me: Uhhhhh, excuse me, Lord, my God, did you just tell me to PRAY for "TIOW"?
God: Yes, my child, pray.
Me: Seriously?
God: Seriously. (OK, maybe God didn't really say "seriously" but it sounds pretty cool)
Me: What will I get out of praying for them?
God: Closure. Peace.

So, there I laid, upon my bed, eyes, semi closed, heart half open, half closed, starting to pray for this person whom I've had my end wits with.

"Dear Heavenly Father,

Lord, You know the burdens of my heart, may You hear my cries tonight as I come to You.

Lord, You know how much my heart is hurting this evening. You know the anger I'm feeling. The frustration. I'm not sure why You've allowed this "idiot of once was" to be placed in my life, maybe that is something that I'll figure out, in time.

It's time that I watch this person walk out of my life, which is alright by me, but I also know I must pray for them. I pray that the "idiot of once was" will start to live in the present, not the past. May they know the joy and peace they can find in You, and You alone.

Fill my heart with peace as this person has wronged me TOO many times. Protect my heart.

In Your most holy name I pray, AMEN.

It's been a couple of days since I've prayed this prayer, and honestly, I HAVE felt some peace. I don't know, it could be just because the "idiot of once was" is no longer apart of my life. I can breathe a little bit easier, not needing to look over my shoulder every place I go, not needing to deal with the drama this person has created for the past couple of years. Or, I don't know, it could be the peace from my Heavenly Father. Meh, maybe both.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

What To Do If You're Tired Of Toughing It Out - Written by Joyce Meyer

Feeling defeated in all areas of my life I ran across an article written by Joyce Meyer on her website. This touched my heart in so many ways.

What to Do if You're Tired of Toughing It Out - Written by Joyce Meyer

Have you ever noticed how so many different thoughts run through our minds every day? Some are good, some bad. Unfortunately, our natural temptation is to focus on the bad; so accepting them doesn't take any effort. The effort comes when we're determined to cast down the negative thoughts, and take a firm grasp of the positive ones.

The Battle for Your Thoughts

Positive minds full of faith and hope produce positive lives. The opposite is also true: negative minds full of fear and doubt produce negative lives, which can ultimately destroy your life. Some people have been hurt so many times that they don't think they can face the pain of another letdown. Therefore, they refuse to hope so they won't be disappointed.

Battles are fought in our minds every day. When we begin to feel the battle is just too difficult and want to give up, we must choose to resist negative thoughts and be determined to rise above our problems. We must decide that we're not going to quit.

When we're bombarded with doubts and fears, we must take a stand and say: "I'll never give up! God's on my side. He loves me, and He's helping me! I'm going to make it!"

Don't Give Up!

No matter how bad the battle rages in your mind, don't give up! Step out and regain the territory that's been stolen from you. Even if it's only an inch at a time, make sure you're leaning on God's grace and not on your own ability.

In Galatians 6:9 the apostle Paul simply encourages us to keep on keeping on! Don't be a quitter! Don't have that old "give up" spirit. God's looking for people who will find the courage to rise above all the negative and pursue the positive.

Whatever you may be facing or experiencing in your life right now, I want to encourage you to stay positive and refuse to give up! God is with you. He'll help you make spiritual progress—strengthening and encouraging you to keep on keeping on during rough times. It's easy to quit, but it takes faith to press on to victory.

Reprogram Your Mind

When the battle seems endless and you think you'll never make it, remember that you're reprogramming a "worldly" mind to think as God thinks. In the same way that computers are programmed, our minds are also programmed.

From the time we're born, our minds are like computers that have had a lifetime of garbage programmed into them. But God—the best "computer programmer" around—is working on us every day to reprogram our minds as we cooperate with Him (see Romans 12:2).

When Progress is Slow

This process of reprogramming or renewing our minds will take place little by little, so don't be discouraged if progress seems slow. Don't get down when you have setbacks or bad days. Just get back up, dust yourself off and start again.

When a baby is learning to walk, he falls many, many times before he develops the ability to walk without falling; however, the baby is persistent. He may cry for a while after he falls down, but he always gets right back up and tries again.

Learning to change our thinking works the same way. There will be days when we don't do everything right—days when our thinking is negative. But never stop trying. God is gradually bringing us around to His way of thinking. Just don't give up!

I've been finding myself "giving up" in so many areas of my life. From my weight loss, to working out, and blogging. I haven't been seeing the results I want in the time frame, again, that I WANT. Progress is slow.....too slow. I'm finding myself disconnected in relationships. I'm just in a slump.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Sticks and Stones Might Break My Bones, But Words Will Never Hurt Me?

Sticks and stones might break my bones, but words will never....ugh, who are we kidding? Words, oh those hurtful words, WILL and DO hurt me!

Every week I treat myself to a Light Carmel Frappuccino along with a Reduced Fat Cinnamon Swril Coffee Cake from Starbucks. This week wasn't any different. Same day, same time, same location, same barista, same great attitude knowing I was gonna make that day grand. With a smile on my face I ordered my treat and started to walk towards a table when a "gentleman" who I've seen at church, smirked and said "If I were you, I'd lay off of the Starbucks, Shamu." Uhhhh, excuse me? Did I hear you right? And you call yourself....a Christian?

After scarfing down a Big Mac, looking at myself in the mirror crying, and a phone call to one of my close girlfriends, I found myself Googling devotions. I came across this devotion that I would like to share.

Devotional: ‘Judging Others’


Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters.  If you criticize and judge each other, then you are criticizing and judging God’s law.  But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you.  God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge.  He alone has the power to save or to destroy.  So what right do you have to judge your neighbor?  (James 4:11-15)

It’s a rare person who is not guilty of judging other people.  For some reason we feel that is our duty to evaluate and critique everyone else.  Yet scripture repeatedly warns us of the danger of being judgmental.  Jesus said, “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged.  For you will be treated as you treat others.  The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. (Mt. 7:1-2) James also warns us about being judgmental and gives us 3 dangers that are associated with it.

Danger #1 – The Danger of Becoming Slanderous
“Don’t speak evil against each other…” To speak evil of another means to speak against them.  It is to slander their character.  It’s the same word that Paul uses in Romans 1:30 when he refers to those who are “backbitiers.”  Someone has called it – “destructive verbal attacks.”  It’s saying something about another person that is going to make them look bad.  “But what if it’s the truth?”, someone might ask.  Peter tells us that “love covers a multitude of sins.”  If we are walking in the Spirit, we are not going to want to damage another person’s character, even if it is the truth.  If we love them, we are going to want to protect them and somehow help them rather than destroy them.

Danger #2 – The Danger of Becoming Lawless
“If you criticize and judge each other, then you are criticizing and judging God’s law.  But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you.  God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge.” At first we might think that James is referring to the Law of Moses or the Ten Commandments.  If the law James is speaking of is the Ten Commandments, then it would seem that we have all the more ammunition to use to judge other people.  But in his letter, James refers to another law; the royal law.  Consider James 2:8  “Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The royal law, or as some refer to it, ”the law of Christ”, is to love others as we love ourselves.  The New Testament teaches us two very important things about the law of Christ:
  • It is full of grace -
“Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path.  And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.  Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” (Gal 6:1-2)
  • It is actually the fulfillment of the Law of Moses -
“Jesus replied, ‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’  This is the first and greatest commandment.  A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”  (Matt 22:37-40)
Even the Law of Moses is not a list of ‘do’s and don’ts’ that will make us perfect.  Rather it is a standard of conduct for those who love God supremely and their neighbor as themselves.

Danger #3 – There is the Danger of Becoming Merciless
“So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free.  There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others.  But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.” (Jas 2:12-13)
Jesus said,
“God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.  God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth.  God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied.  God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy.  God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.  God blesses those who work for peace,  for they will be called the children of God.” (Mt 5:3-9)
Being judgmental is a temptation that we all must resist.  It is too easy to fall into the trap of slandering other people and being critical of everything they do.  Not only does a judgmental attitude destroy other people, it destroys us.  I have never met a judgmental person who appeared to be happy.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I need you to _____________ because ______________. Thank you!

Phrase taken from 'Asserting 101'. "I need you to __________________ because ________________. Thank you!"'

This week, our Weight Watchers meeting was about Success VS Sabotage and how we need to deal with our diet saboteurs. All week, I've tried to come up with a list of people who have not supported me through this journey of mine, and to be 100% honest, I can't think of anyone but myself.

40 pounds left and I'll be at my goal weight and this scares me. I'm just not sure why I'm feeling this way.

I hit a huge milestone yesterday. I "climbed" Jacob's Ladder (the machine from HELL!) for 45 minutes. I didn't think this was something I would be able to do. (I didn't even think I could stay on it for more than 10 minutes!) Right then, that ol' phrase came to mind. "I need you to ______________ because ___________. Thank you!"

Hmmmm. OK. What do I need to say to "Fat Crystal"? If I could write her a letter, it would go a little something like this:

Dear Fat Crystal,
     I need you to believe in yourself because you CAN do anything you set your mind and heart to. I need you to love yourself because you are an amazing woman of God from the inside out. I need you to forgive yourself because NO ONE is perfect, we all make mistakes. I need you to be happy because you have been so sad for such a long time. I need you to stop pushing people away and let them love you because face it, you need them in your life. I need you to let the woman inside of you shine because she will be so much happier. Thank you!

I know that respect and trust needs to be mentioned, but at this point of my life, I can't come up with a "because". I guess that's something I'll need to ponder this week.....

Monday, May 2, 2011

My Thoughts

Last Monday. Weight Watchers. There I sat. In the back of the room. Crying. Boo hoo hoo. Awe, poor little, errr, big, errr, little Crystal. Feeling defeated, lonely, lost, and helpless. Feeling that that feeling of "what's-the-point?-I-just-wanna-give-up" attitude.

Go ahead, laugh. I'm feeling this feeling all over a .8 GAIN. LAME, I know! But you've gotta understand, I've gained for 3 weeks in a row.

I've hit a major plateau in regards to my weight loss. Oh, sure. Loosing 150 pounds was hard, but loosing those LAST 40 pounds? Are you KIDDING me?!? I think those are even harder to lose!

I honestly wanted to walk out of Weight Watchers after weighing in, but something told me I needed to stay for the meeting. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my fearless leader, Adrian! She's AMAZING! But last Monday, nu-uh, I just wanted to sulk, be left alone. "Remember, awe, poor little, errr, big, errr, little Crystal. BOO HOO HOO!"

The Weight Watchers topic for last week was "Beating Boredom". However, the group I'M in (50 + Pounds) took it a step further. Adrian asked us four thought-provoking questions:
     *What brought you to your weight loss journey?
     *When was the last time you were excited about your weight loss journey, and why?
     *What do you do to stay excited about continuing your journey?
     *What is something that would give you that SPARK again?

I reached out to my FB B.A.B.E.S. (ahhh, yes, had to get that ol' plug in! :0) ) and had asked the same questions. WOW! Did I get some GREAT feedback! (Thank you ladies!)

The first question was pretty easy for me to answer. A no-brainer. A Uh-hello kind of response. "I WANT TO SEE MY KIDS GROW UP!" It was those three last questions. "When was the last time you were excited about your weight loss journey and why?" Uhhhhhhh....I don't know? "What do you do to stay excited about continuing your journey?" Uhhhhhh.....pffft.....again, I don't know? "What is something that would give you that SPARK again?" about a lighter up underneath my bootay and lightning it? I don't know!

As this week went by, my thoughts and feelings changed about my weight loss journey. I've become more focused, realizing certain people and situations have been holding me back.

Go ahead, ask me these questions again.
     *What brought you to your weight loss journey? My health. I am sick and tired of checking my blood sugar 4 to 5 times a day. I am sick and tired of injecting myself with insulin 3 times a day. I want to watch Serena and Norman grow up to be the person God wants them to be.
     *When was the last time you were excited about your weight loss journey, and why? The last time I was excited about my journey would have to be when I had something I was working towards. A goal.
     *What do you do to stay excited about continuing your journey? In all honestly, I think my B.A.B.E.S. have really helped me stay excited about continuing my journey. Knowing that we can encourage everyone really helps.
     *What is something that would give you that SPARK again? I think I need to go back to that question "When was the last time you were excited about your weight loss journey and why?" I had a goal, and I MET that particular goal. I need that SPARK again. It's time for a new goal!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

If You Don't Wanna Slip, Don't Go Where It's Gonna Be Slippery!

If you don't wanna slip, don't go where it's gonna be slippery! I should have listened to my own advice....

I knew this was gonna lead to temptation, but yet, I went inside

and saw my what I thought, was my weakness looking up at me

The look on everyone faces looked like it really tasted heavenly so, I took one bite for myself and much to my surprise, I wasn't that impressed. Usually it takes a pulley to get me away from a pizza, but for some unknown reason, I had no desire to eat it. Just didn't taste right. Like, I mean the spices and cheese and ham and pineapple were, oh so good, but like, I knew I could be eating something so much better. I don't know...I guess I'm still so excited about my 5 pound weight loss from this past week. If I wasn't on my game this past week, imagine what I can accomplish THIS week! Maybe that's just playing over and over in my mind.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Didn't know fat people could run. Yes, we can.....imagine that!

I honestly couldn't believe this skinny, um, lady (if you want to call her that) says "I didn't know fat people could run!" And what's more? The BEST line I could come up with was "yeah we can! Imagine that!"

Why do I let people disrespect me? Why can't I stand up for myself? Am I that insecure and that desperate for attention that "any attention is good attention" comes into play? No wonder why people think I'm a welcoming mat. I don't stand up for myself. God, I disgust myself. More than people will ever know. (Ok, rants done!)

Weighed myself and from what I saw, I lost 3 pounds, but I'm going to go with what WW will say tonight. I'm really not expecting big numbers. I've had a terrible week.

My goal for this upcoming week is NO MORE FAST FOOD! Though I thought I was making wise decisions while eating out, I could have made even wiser choices by just eating something from home.

While walking out from the ladies locker room I just happened to look in the mirror, and for a short time, was actually pleased! I AM starting to see some results, and for that, I'm thankful. I'm no longer need to suck in my tummy while wearing my workout clothes. Mostly because they actually FIT me now. I guess I'll keep this up for another week.

(Taken AFTER my last chance workout. I'm smiling cause I'm happy I'm done for the day!)