If You Don't Wanna Slip, Don't Go Where It's Gonna Be Slippery!

If you don't wanna slip, don't go where it's gonna be slippery! I should have listened to my own advice....

I knew this was gonna lead to temptation, but yet, I went inside

and saw my what I thought, was my weakness looking up at me

The look on everyone faces looked like it really tasted heavenly so, I took one bite for myself and much to my surprise, I wasn't that impressed. Usually it takes a pulley to get me away from a pizza, but for some unknown reason, I had no desire to eat it. Just didn't taste right. Like, I mean the spices and cheese and ham and pineapple were, oh so good, but like, I knew I could be eating something so much better. I don't know...I guess I'm still so excited about my 5 pound weight loss from this past week. If I wasn't on my game this past week, imagine what I can accomplish THIS week! Maybe that's just playing over and over in my mind.



Didn't know fat people could run. Yes, we can.....imagine that!

I honestly couldn't believe this skinny, um, lady (if you want to call her that) says "I didn't know fat people could run!" And what's more? The BEST line I could come up with was "yeah we can! Imagine that!"

Why do I let people disrespect me? Why can't I stand up for myself? Am I that insecure and that desperate for attention that "any attention is good attention" comes into play? No wonder why people think I'm a welcoming mat. I don't stand up for myself. God, I disgust myself. More than people will ever know. (Ok, rants done!)

Weighed myself and from what I saw, I lost 3 pounds, but I'm going to go with what WW will say tonight. I'm really not expecting big numbers. I've had a terrible week.

My goal for this upcoming week is NO MORE FAST FOOD! Though I thought I was making wise decisions while eating out, I could have made even wiser choices by just eating something from home.

While walking out from the ladies locker room I just happened to look in the mirror, and for a short time, was actually pleased! I AM starting to see some results, and for that, I'm thankful. I'm no longer need to suck in my tummy while wearing my workout clothes. Mostly because they actually FIT me now. I guess I'll keep this up for another week.

(Taken AFTER my last chance workout. I'm smiling cause I'm happy I'm done for the day!)

A Welcome Mat No More

Ok. So after a couple of minutes of thinking about my last entry "Quit Apologizing Already!" I think what I was trying to get at and what was really on my mind was I'm tired of being a welcoming mat and apologizing for actually wanting to do something for ME.

It seems like, for as long as I can remember, I have a "Welcome" mat imprinted somewhere on my forehead. Like people can just automatically think that they can do what they want or say what they want to me and I'll be fine with it. They'll say "well, how about if we do this instead Crystal." I'll say "Oh, ok, sorry." I guess I'm just tired of being taken advantage of. And when I feel taken advantage of open mouth, insert food. See, it's just a vicious cycle for me. Ugh, things have got to change for me. I think I'll run down to the local tattoo parlor and request they put a "No More Welcomed" tat on me. That would look kinda cool, don't ya think?

Quit Apologizing Already!

Ask anyone who knows me, I mean TRULY knows me and they will tell you I apologize….like I apologize A LOT! I apologize like there’s no tomorrow.  And what’s worse, I even apologize for things that have nothing to do with me!  I’ll apologize on behalf of someone’s mistakes, their conduct or their choices.

I think it’s because I’m a fixer. I hate drama, though I tend to create some of it sometimes. I hate tension. I hate when people are at odds with each other. I want and wish everything could be perfect. Sometimes, at the cost of my own happiness. I’m tired of saying “I’m sorry” unless it’s something that I really need to apologize for.

While tending to everyone else, apologizing for things that have had nothing to do with me, absolutely wore me out. I couldn’t turn to anyone because they were coming to me for comfort. Who or WHAT was I turning to? What would comfort me?  Humph. Freaking food, that’s what.

I hate the fact that I gained all of this weight because the only thing that made me happy was found in the fridge or a cupboard. I HATE the fact that I have had no one really to turn to vent my frustrations to. I’m ashamed and embarrassed. I am so ashamed and embarrassed for thinking about others and their needs except for my own.

Embarrassed that I’ve let too many years slip away from me. Embarrassed for how I look now. Too ashamed to be looked at. Too uncomfortable and ashamed for me to even look at. I’ve gotten to the point where I would rather cover up and hide my body then let people see my progress. I get embarrassed when people compliment me when they DO see results.  Then, you know what I do, I turn red cause I’m embarrassed then I say “Ohhh, I’m sorry!”

I hate to say it, but I'm getting tired of always apologizing for things I have no control over. I'm also getting tired of letting my happiness go because I'm afraid of hurting other peoples feelings. I think it's my time to finally be happy. It's my time to take my life back. Time to put the tortilla chips down, get the boobies to say "you know, I just want to stay home and not go out" and not wanting to or needing apologize for wainting to do something just for me. It's time for me to quit apologizing already.

Caked on Grease

Unlike most people, my best work comes when I’m doing housework, not sitting on the potty! Really! I’ll be doing laundry, scrubbing the floors or something else when something strikes me and I’ll say “huh, that’s a great line to my newest poem! I should write it down!” And Walla! My masterpiece in my eyes is perfect!

As a perfectionist, I needed to come up with the best title for my first blog. “Hmmm” I thought. “Meet the Author?” Nah, that was kind of boring. “All about me?” Nope, I really don’t want everyone to know EVERYTHING about me all at once. So, I said to myself I’ll just give it some time and it will eventually come to me.

As I started gathering all of the dirty dishes I needed to soak I noticed my favorite cooking pan looking sick. Really sick. Caked on grease! Perfect, just perfect!  I grabbed the AJAX and poured in a hefty amount, let it soak in water too hot to touch and let it just soak until it would be EASIER for me to chisel it away. As I was nearing the end of my chore, I came back to that nasty pan that I needed to tend to. As I was chiseling and cursing whomever burnt eggs and oil on my pan I started saying “Oh come on! There HAS to be a point where the shiny metal beneath all of this grease will start to shine thru!” I paused and thought….maybe I needed to do the same for this body I had been given.

All my life I’ve had issues with my weight. Though I was ‘chunky’ growing up it really hit me during Junior High after my grandpa passing so, I became bulimic and anorexic  at the same time. I tried to commit suicide to was eventually placed in St. Luke’s Hospital going in at 80 pounds, coming out at 125. I think I started gaining most of my weight during high school, like 10^th grade. I remember one of my girlfriends reaching out to me saying “you know, I’m kinda worried about you. You’re looking pretty unhealthy.” I should have listened to her, but sadly, I didn’t. Long story short, I continued to gain, and gain, and gain until I weighed in at a whopping, well, let’s just do this. Take a Medium Onion Rings from Burger King and subtract 110 calories. THAT was my weight. I was and still am ashamed, embarrassed and so saddened that I let myself, this beautiful woman of God go down the drain. Giving all of my attention to my family, my children, I forgot to pay attention to one special person, myself.  I have caked on grease everywhere. My body, my heart, my mind, my soul.

It’s time for me to get back my shine. Time for me to find my AJAX, get that ol’ chisel out and find the real person God has wanted and needed me to be. I’m on a journey and would like to share it with you. Somehow I’ve managed to get down to 218 but my ultimate goal is 146. So, my journey starts today. To be 100% real with you, but most importantly, myself. This is MY diary, no one else. This is un mujer gorditas diario. Let the journey begin!