So, last night while debating over the title of my newest blog entry, I WAS thinking it should be titled "Idiots Here, Idiots There, Idiots, Idiots EVERYWHERE" but, personally, I like this one much better. And, like I posted up on a social website," I know that 1) this isn't very lady like and 2) this isn't very nice to say as a woman of God, but sometimes you just have to be HONEST with the way you feel." So true.
So, let me be 100% completely honest, and tell you what I'm truly feeling.
This particular person I'll refer to as the "Idiot of once was" has been in my life for a couple of years now, which, as I look back now, was a huge mistake on my part. Now, I DIDN'T "choose" for this "idiot of once was" to necessarily be apart of my life, they were kind of just dropped into my life by other circumstances. The moment I heard the "idiot of once was" was going to be in my life, I pretty much freaked out. No way, no how, was I going to let this person, this person who had given me so much grief before, this person who had contributed to my weight GAIN, be apart of my life, EVER.
Looking back, I should have gone with my gut feeling and should have just ignored this "idiot of once was", but I didn't. Yes, foolish am I, I realize that....now. But why DID I let this person continue to make my life, how shall I say this nicely, well, I'll just say it, this one time, hellish? Good question! Answer? NO CLUE!
I often looked up at God, seeking his grace, peace, wisdom, and forgiveness for this "idiot of once was". Never understood WHY He would allow this person to be placed in my life, again. And, low and behold, I found myself having a "conversation" with the Lord after receiving some pretty disturbing emails from the "Idiot of once was".
Me: Lord, what do you want me to do?
God: PRAY FOR *THE "IDIOT OF ONCE WAS* (Name has been changed to protect their identity)! Me: Uhhhhh, excuse me, Lord, my God, did you just tell me to PRAY for "TIOW"?
God: Yes, my child, pray.
Me: Seriously?
God: Seriously. (OK, maybe God didn't really say "seriously" but it sounds pretty cool)
Me: What will I get out of praying for them?
God: Closure. Peace.
So, there I laid, upon my bed, eyes, semi closed, heart half open, half closed, starting to pray for this person whom I've had my end wits with.
"Dear Heavenly Father,
Lord, You know the burdens of my heart, may You hear my cries tonight as I come to You.
Lord, You know how much my heart is hurting this evening. You know the anger I'm feeling. The frustration. I'm not sure why You've allowed this "idiot of once was" to be placed in my life, maybe that is something that I'll figure out, in time.
It's time that I watch this person walk out of my life, which is alright by me, but I also know I must pray for them. I pray that the "idiot of once was" will start to live in the present, not the past. May they know the joy and peace they can find in You, and You alone.
Fill my heart with peace as this person has wronged me TOO many times. Protect my heart.
In Your most holy name I pray, AMEN.
It's been a couple of days since I've prayed this prayer, and honestly, I HAVE felt some peace. I don't know, it could be just because the "idiot of once was" is no longer apart of my life. I can breathe a little bit easier, not needing to look over my shoulder every place I go, not needing to deal with the drama this person has created for the past couple of years. Or, I don't know, it could be the peace from my Heavenly Father. Meh, maybe both.
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